Initially, this post began as simple observation of human emotion and the battle of the brain and heart:
As human beings, we are naturally willing to allow people into our hearts. We give them our trust and compassion, letting them know that we will always be there for them, expecting that same generosity in return. Whether the love is automatically given, or grown over time, we cherish ever ounce of it. And although we have an unwavering need to love and be loved within our lives, why is it that the very act of love, in all forms, makes us absolutely crazy?!
After writer's block and a bit of self-reflection, I feel it is now more appropriate to compose a letter. And though I doubt the person it is intended for will ever read it, I feel it still must be expressed.
To whom it may concern:
My life feels like a roller coaster. Cliche, I know, but seemingly accurate. I don't mean the entirety of my life is equivalent to the 45 sec span of a roller coaster ride. What I mean is, each significant event seems to have the same route, especially when it comes to love...and us. The excitement and anticipation as the car is slowly creeping up the first incline reaching the top. Sometimes it drops right away, or sometimes it's a trick so I think, "This isn't so bad." But all of a sudden the track falls out from under me, "Oh shit, there's no turning back now!" I race along, going through ups and downs, even have my world turned upside down on occasion, all the while the ride is losing its velocity. There's nothing to keep it going any more and ultimately, it has to end sometime, right? No worries, I'm safe. The ride is over and that little bar kept me from falling... well it was suppose to anyway.
But I did fall. Although the evidence points to otherwise, the ups and downs weren't all your fault. Blaming you was easier than allowing myself to believe that it was all for the best, that I wasn't ready for you, as you clearly aren't ready for me...
Let me explain.
In May, when we had one of our many discussions about us, I promised you that I wouldn't wait, and I didn't. As you know, I've dated...but every situation ended with me getting hurt and ending up alone. So I thought to myself, "Why do these guys find me? Why do they think that I'm soo wonderful, but keep me at arms length?" I was convinced it wasn't me that was the problem. I've noticed a pattern though ...and I was wrong. I'm the one that's been holding back, terrified of getting hurt. So I let them in, and then search for a way out. I find a flaw or try to convince them that I'm not that wonderful; I look for some justification to prove me right: "I knew he couldn't commit... I knew he was a player... I knew he was a liar!" All because I don't really know how to completely give myself to someone. There's that little voice inside my head saying, "The only person you can trust is yourself. If you let them in, then they'll bail." I always go into it expecting them to fail, just like I expected you to fail.
Forgive me, I know I'm typing in circles, but that's kind of the point. I feel like I'm a walking contradiction. I love "love", but am terrified to pursue it. I fought for you and pushed you away at the same time, wanting to be with you so badly, but not knowing what I'd do if we were finally together.
What it comes down to is this:
I love you. And I miss you terribly. I don't sleep much and am aching inside. I imagine you know the feeling. Although I can't promise that I'll be waiting for you, just know that while you are working on you, and I'll be working on me. I'll pray for guidance for us both. And maybe, just maybe, when we've fixed our broken lives, we'll come back together and give this a real chance. So take care of you, love and don't forget our deal.
Until then,
~Kiersten
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