Now, isn't that the way? A young girl in college, trying to find herself, identifying with every movie she sees, or book she reads. Suffice it to say, I am lost. And like Liz, in Eat Pray Love, I would take a year to travel in search of my word, if I could. Unfortunately, it's not a feasible plan right now. Instead, I'm going to take advantage of the New Year, 2011.
According to the Chinese Zodiac, like many of my peers, I was born in the year of the Rabbit - 1987. Children of the Rabbit are known to be creative, compassionate and sensitive. Also classy, sophisticated, expressive, well-mannered and stylish. Soundingly appropriate, I must say. And if you so choose to believe, 2011 is deemed the year of the Rabbit. This is going to be my year.
It is common as the New Year rolls around, for people to reflect on the past and present, see what they would like to change, and resolve that this year will be different. We make empty promises to ourselves, never achieving our goals, because once February hits, the resolution is forgotten. But when December 31st returns... I swear this time I will fulfil that promise to myself.
Sometimes these resolutions are just ridiculous: I will swear off men ...I will save the planet ...I will be engaged by December. Ultimately, these aspirations fall through as we end up dating anything with a pulse in an attempt to fill the emptiness within ourselves, we make a small donation to end world hunger, and spend Christmas single and alone, because some things cannot be forced or predicted. And some things cannot be accomplished by yourself.
Then there are those resolutions that are quite simple and attainable: I will lose 20lbs ...I will organize my house (and keep it that way) ...I will pay all my bills on time. Fairly reachable, if you set your mind to it. Not at all far fetched. But, as time progresses, we get lazy and wrapped up in the drama and chaos of our lives and convince ourselves that we'll do better next time. We end up gaining 10lbs, throwing everything in the closest and muting the phone when the debt collectors call. In the course of a year, we fail ourselves, try to forgive ourselves, but end with regret, promising that it won't happen again ...only to repeat the cycle, once more with feeling.
In an attempt to avoid this ecliptic tract, my subject of ambition for the year of the Rabbit is simply to find my word. Not necessarily the word for my lifetime, because I most definitely will continue to change, but the word that makes me who I am ...for now. Not what I do, or what I look like, or describing my personality, just a word that is me. It is likely that this will take longer than a year, but this will be the beginning. I will keep to the path, and along the way I will find my beauty, graduate from school, and enter a brave new world. On this, my own quest for the Holy Grail, there will be many obstacles to overcome, many goals to reach, and many friends to make, all-the-while I'll be searching ...searching for me. As long as I stay on this path, no matter how long it takes, I will hold no regret. That is my resolution.
I hope you all have a Happy and Prosperous New Year! Thank you for reading.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
"Love is the last shocking act left on the planet"
Initially, this post began as simple observation of human emotion and the battle of the brain and heart:
As human beings, we are naturally willing to allow people into our hearts. We give them our trust and compassion, letting them know that we will always be there for them, expecting that same generosity in return. Whether the love is automatically given, or grown over time, we cherish ever ounce of it. And although we have an unwavering need to love and be loved within our lives, why is it that the very act of love, in all forms, makes us absolutely crazy?!
After writer's block and a bit of self-reflection, I feel it is now more appropriate to compose a letter. And though I doubt the person it is intended for will ever read it, I feel it still must be expressed.
To whom it may concern:
My life feels like a roller coaster. Cliche, I know, but seemingly accurate. I don't mean the entirety of my life is equivalent to the 45 sec span of a roller coaster ride. What I mean is, each significant event seems to have the same route, especially when it comes to love...and us. The excitement and anticipation as the car is slowly creeping up the first incline reaching the top. Sometimes it drops right away, or sometimes it's a trick so I think, "This isn't so bad." But all of a sudden the track falls out from under me, "Oh shit, there's no turning back now!" I race along, going through ups and downs, even have my world turned upside down on occasion, all the while the ride is losing its velocity. There's nothing to keep it going any more and ultimately, it has to end sometime, right? No worries, I'm safe. The ride is over and that little bar kept me from falling... well it was suppose to anyway.
But I did fall. Although the evidence points to otherwise, the ups and downs weren't all your fault. Blaming you was easier than allowing myself to believe that it was all for the best, that I wasn't ready for you, as you clearly aren't ready for me...
Let me explain.
In May, when we had one of our many discussions about us, I promised you that I wouldn't wait, and I didn't. As you know, I've dated...but every situation ended with me getting hurt and ending up alone. So I thought to myself, "Why do these guys find me? Why do they think that I'm soo wonderful, but keep me at arms length?" I was convinced it wasn't me that was the problem. I've noticed a pattern though ...and I was wrong. I'm the one that's been holding back, terrified of getting hurt. So I let them in, and then search for a way out. I find a flaw or try to convince them that I'm not that wonderful; I look for some justification to prove me right: "I knew he couldn't commit... I knew he was a player... I knew he was a liar!" All because I don't really know how to completely give myself to someone. There's that little voice inside my head saying, "The only person you can trust is yourself. If you let them in, then they'll bail." I always go into it expecting them to fail, just like I expected you to fail.
Forgive me, I know I'm typing in circles, but that's kind of the point. I feel like I'm a walking contradiction. I love "love", but am terrified to pursue it. I fought for you and pushed you away at the same time, wanting to be with you so badly, but not knowing what I'd do if we were finally together.
What it comes down to is this:
I love you. And I miss you terribly. I don't sleep much and am aching inside. I imagine you know the feeling. Although I can't promise that I'll be waiting for you, just know that while you are working on you, and I'll be working on me. I'll pray for guidance for us both. And maybe, just maybe, when we've fixed our broken lives, we'll come back together and give this a real chance. So take care of you, love and don't forget our deal.
Until then,
~Kiersten
As human beings, we are naturally willing to allow people into our hearts. We give them our trust and compassion, letting them know that we will always be there for them, expecting that same generosity in return. Whether the love is automatically given, or grown over time, we cherish ever ounce of it. And although we have an unwavering need to love and be loved within our lives, why is it that the very act of love, in all forms, makes us absolutely crazy?!
After writer's block and a bit of self-reflection, I feel it is now more appropriate to compose a letter. And though I doubt the person it is intended for will ever read it, I feel it still must be expressed.
To whom it may concern:
My life feels like a roller coaster. Cliche, I know, but seemingly accurate. I don't mean the entirety of my life is equivalent to the 45 sec span of a roller coaster ride. What I mean is, each significant event seems to have the same route, especially when it comes to love...and us. The excitement and anticipation as the car is slowly creeping up the first incline reaching the top. Sometimes it drops right away, or sometimes it's a trick so I think, "This isn't so bad." But all of a sudden the track falls out from under me, "Oh shit, there's no turning back now!" I race along, going through ups and downs, even have my world turned upside down on occasion, all the while the ride is losing its velocity. There's nothing to keep it going any more and ultimately, it has to end sometime, right? No worries, I'm safe. The ride is over and that little bar kept me from falling... well it was suppose to anyway.
But I did fall. Although the evidence points to otherwise, the ups and downs weren't all your fault. Blaming you was easier than allowing myself to believe that it was all for the best, that I wasn't ready for you, as you clearly aren't ready for me...
Let me explain.
In May, when we had one of our many discussions about us, I promised you that I wouldn't wait, and I didn't. As you know, I've dated...but every situation ended with me getting hurt and ending up alone. So I thought to myself, "Why do these guys find me? Why do they think that I'm soo wonderful, but keep me at arms length?" I was convinced it wasn't me that was the problem. I've noticed a pattern though ...and I was wrong. I'm the one that's been holding back, terrified of getting hurt. So I let them in, and then search for a way out. I find a flaw or try to convince them that I'm not that wonderful; I look for some justification to prove me right: "I knew he couldn't commit... I knew he was a player... I knew he was a liar!" All because I don't really know how to completely give myself to someone. There's that little voice inside my head saying, "The only person you can trust is yourself. If you let them in, then they'll bail." I always go into it expecting them to fail, just like I expected you to fail.
Forgive me, I know I'm typing in circles, but that's kind of the point. I feel like I'm a walking contradiction. I love "love", but am terrified to pursue it. I fought for you and pushed you away at the same time, wanting to be with you so badly, but not knowing what I'd do if we were finally together.
What it comes down to is this:
I love you. And I miss you terribly. I don't sleep much and am aching inside. I imagine you know the feeling. Although I can't promise that I'll be waiting for you, just know that while you are working on you, and I'll be working on me. I'll pray for guidance for us both. And maybe, just maybe, when we've fixed our broken lives, we'll come back together and give this a real chance. So take care of you, love and don't forget our deal.
Until then,
~Kiersten
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A Dysfunctional Morning
Dear World,
Today I've given lots of thought to the phase "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning". What a odd expression! If taken literally, then how can any one side of the bed be deemed the right or wrong side, especially when you sleep alone. It's all the same bed. There are no Bed Police. Yet somehow, waking up on this metaphorical "wrong side", puts you in the most terrible mood for no good reason, except to say that your bed is at fault. Perhaps there should be Bed Police to prevent the diffusion of melancholy mornings throughout the nation!
Because I had no Bed Police to protect and serve me this morning, I did indeed wake up on the wrong side of the bed and am in the worst of moods. I'm not entirely sure why, but it typically takes a nuclear explosion to wake me up in the mornings (or 4 alarm clocks). Unfortunately, my clocks have be progressively dying and now I'm just left to rely on my cellular device. The HTC Tilt will be the death of me! As I rolled over to see the sun shining through my bedroom window, I realized there is no way it was 6AM! I frantically reached for my phone to view the time, only to find that it had once again shut itself down. What?! I need to know what the time is!!! Hurry up you stupid "smart" phone! It finally turns on ....8:45AM! One missed call...from my boss. Oh NO!
I fell out of bed and looked in the mirror, only to see through my blurry vision what looked like a hungover 80's rock star staring back at me. WTF? How does my hair manage to stand up like that? I didn't realize I was related to Medusa. Ugh! There's no time! Being as neurotic as I am, I NEVER leave the house with at least my hair done, but I didn't have a choice today. The mop went up into an awful ponytail, I clumsily washed my face and brushed my teeth (not a good idea to try those at the same time), threw on whatever clothes I could find, grabbed my make up bag, and ran for the door, managing to crash into every piece of furniture on my way out. I made it to work an hour late, with hair gone wild, a makeup-less face, and absolutely ZERO caffeine in my system. I would say that is quite a dysfunctional way to start the day, and apparently, it's all my bed's fault!! I hope you had a better morning!
Despondently yours,
Kiersten
Today I've given lots of thought to the phase "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning". What a odd expression! If taken literally, then how can any one side of the bed be deemed the right or wrong side, especially when you sleep alone. It's all the same bed. There are no Bed Police. Yet somehow, waking up on this metaphorical "wrong side", puts you in the most terrible mood for no good reason, except to say that your bed is at fault. Perhaps there should be Bed Police to prevent the diffusion of melancholy mornings throughout the nation!
Because I had no Bed Police to protect and serve me this morning, I did indeed wake up on the wrong side of the bed and am in the worst of moods. I'm not entirely sure why, but it typically takes a nuclear explosion to wake me up in the mornings (or 4 alarm clocks). Unfortunately, my clocks have be progressively dying and now I'm just left to rely on my cellular device. The HTC Tilt will be the death of me! As I rolled over to see the sun shining through my bedroom window, I realized there is no way it was 6AM! I frantically reached for my phone to view the time, only to find that it had once again shut itself down. What?! I need to know what the time is!!! Hurry up you stupid "smart" phone! It finally turns on ....8:45AM! One missed call...from my boss. Oh NO!
I fell out of bed and looked in the mirror, only to see through my blurry vision what looked like a hungover 80's rock star staring back at me. WTF? How does my hair manage to stand up like that? I didn't realize I was related to Medusa. Ugh! There's no time! Being as neurotic as I am, I NEVER leave the house with at least my hair done, but I didn't have a choice today. The mop went up into an awful ponytail, I clumsily washed my face and brushed my teeth (not a good idea to try those at the same time), threw on whatever clothes I could find, grabbed my make up bag, and ran for the door, managing to crash into every piece of furniture on my way out. I made it to work an hour late, with hair gone wild, a makeup-less face, and absolutely ZERO caffeine in my system. I would say that is quite a dysfunctional way to start the day, and apparently, it's all my bed's fault!! I hope you had a better morning!
Despondently yours,
Kiersten
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A Simple Distraction
After recent events, my mind is racing with thoughts and questions, that will likely not be answered. SO, to distract myself from these irrational rationalizations, I've decided to make a list of words I enjoy saying. (Yes, very random, I know! lol) Feel free to add your favorites!
Terpsichore
Inebriated
Trickery
Indubitably
Maddeningly
Mauve
Foliage
Persuasion
Splendiferous
Leisure
Crevice
Preface
Stout
Solace
Vernacular
Acquiesce
Scrumptious
Alacrity
Whimsical
Infected
Volatile
Troglodyte
Titillating
Vivacious
Vuluptuous
Impervious
Plethora
That's all I have for now. Enjoy!
Terpsichore
Inebriated
Trickery
Indubitably
Maddeningly
Mauve
Foliage
Persuasion
Splendiferous
Leisure
Crevice
Preface
Stout
Solace
Vernacular
Acquiesce
Scrumptious
Alacrity
Whimsical
Infected
Volatile
Troglodyte
Titillating
Vivacious
Vuluptuous
Impervious
Plethora
That's all I have for now. Enjoy!
Friday, June 25, 2010
"I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils..."
For lunch today, Keri and I ventured to Wal-Mart to pick up a few items needed for our trip to the river this weekend, as well as a scrumptious cake for Shannon's birthday! Although the month of June is just barely coming to an end, the shelves are slowly getting stocked with school supplies. That is one of my favorite times of the year, when I walk down the aisle full of paper, pencils, and pens! Oh my! I absolutely love it!
It's terrible though. Every year, I'm tempted into buying new, colorful items for my classes, finding better ways to organize my year. I rarely reuse old supplies too. I know that's awful, but in my eyes, each fall is a new beginning, a fresh start. Each additional binder or notebook is a clean slate for my classes. After the first week of the semester, I divide up the my newly acquired academic inventory across my living room floor, along with my syllabi, and I begin the organization process. There's just something about labeling those dividers that thrills me for a yet another Fall, especially with this school year being my last! ...Alas, it is not that time just yet. We must get through the 4th of July first!
Anyway, as we walked to the check out counter, I chuckled at myself and shared this entire thought process with Keri. You can only imagine what she was thinking....probably the same things you're thinking right now! haha
Oh well, off to the river! Have a great weekend everyone!!! :D
It's terrible though. Every year, I'm tempted into buying new, colorful items for my classes, finding better ways to organize my year. I rarely reuse old supplies too. I know that's awful, but in my eyes, each fall is a new beginning, a fresh start. Each additional binder or notebook is a clean slate for my classes. After the first week of the semester, I divide up the my newly acquired academic inventory across my living room floor, along with my syllabi, and I begin the organization process. There's just something about labeling those dividers that thrills me for a yet another Fall, especially with this school year being my last! ...Alas, it is not that time just yet. We must get through the 4th of July first!
Anyway, as we walked to the check out counter, I chuckled at myself and shared this entire thought process with Keri. You can only imagine what she was thinking....probably the same things you're thinking right now! haha
Oh well, off to the river! Have a great weekend everyone!!! :D
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
An Observation of the Senses
Most people probably would not believe the random train of thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. But it's not everyday that I have time to actually write them down. So, for your reading pleasure, as I sit at work on my birthday, I will share this random thought with you.
As I was walking up the hill by the library, that is the bane of my existence (the hill, not the library), heading to the School of Music today, I was completely in my own little world, enjoying the sunshine beaming down on me. A light breeze picked up, tousling my sundress around, and as I took a deep breath to prepare myself for that godforsaken hill, I smelled something. A pungent scent overwhelmed me, so much so that I was thoroughly offended when I could not figure out the source of this foul odor! I was sniffing around like a blood-hound trying to figure out what lingered in the air, and where it came from. Was it the trash? Not a dumpster in sight. Was it dog poo? Normally, people don't let there pets do their business on campus (or they shouldn't), plus I don't want to think about what that dog would have eaten to...well anyway. Moldy clothes? I wouldn't think so. Was it me? NO! How could you think that! I showered, put on deodorant, and sprayed my favorite perfume, thank you very much! Anyway....I finally concluded that the wind coming in from the East had brought with it a strange aroma that was a combination of tree sap, grass, construction, and whatever else it collected along the way. The only way for me to describe it, is to say that it smelled like...outside.
So here's where the random thought comes in, as if that wasn't random enough for you. When I made it to the office, I was not too pleased to find that my new dress had absorbed the smell. So as I doused myself in perfume once again, I began to see that our sense of smell is absolutely fascinating! In fact, I believe it to be the most interesting of all the senses. Think about it. A foul odor can ruin a romantic moment, distract you in mid-sentence, kill your appetite or even deter your interest in a person (C'mon guys! It's called good hygiene! Have you not heard of it?!) But a fragrance that is pleasing to the nostrils, can remind you of a fond memory, relax you from a stressful day or help you appreciate the beauty in something that much more. A combination of smells completely threw me for a loop at the start of my day! Why does this sense have such a strong affect on us? I'm sure there's some scientific explanation about brain waves and all that jazz, which is probably very interesting. But honestly, I'm not really looking for answers; I'm just appreciating the complexity of it all. :)
See! I told you I'm random!
As I was walking up the hill by the library, that is the bane of my existence (the hill, not the library), heading to the School of Music today, I was completely in my own little world, enjoying the sunshine beaming down on me. A light breeze picked up, tousling my sundress around, and as I took a deep breath to prepare myself for that godforsaken hill, I smelled something. A pungent scent overwhelmed me, so much so that I was thoroughly offended when I could not figure out the source of this foul odor! I was sniffing around like a blood-hound trying to figure out what lingered in the air, and where it came from. Was it the trash? Not a dumpster in sight. Was it dog poo? Normally, people don't let there pets do their business on campus (or they shouldn't), plus I don't want to think about what that dog would have eaten to...well anyway. Moldy clothes? I wouldn't think so. Was it me? NO! How could you think that! I showered, put on deodorant, and sprayed my favorite perfume, thank you very much! Anyway....I finally concluded that the wind coming in from the East had brought with it a strange aroma that was a combination of tree sap, grass, construction, and whatever else it collected along the way. The only way for me to describe it, is to say that it smelled like...outside.
So here's where the random thought comes in, as if that wasn't random enough for you. When I made it to the office, I was not too pleased to find that my new dress had absorbed the smell. So as I doused myself in perfume once again, I began to see that our sense of smell is absolutely fascinating! In fact, I believe it to be the most interesting of all the senses. Think about it. A foul odor can ruin a romantic moment, distract you in mid-sentence, kill your appetite or even deter your interest in a person (C'mon guys! It's called good hygiene! Have you not heard of it?!) But a fragrance that is pleasing to the nostrils, can remind you of a fond memory, relax you from a stressful day or help you appreciate the beauty in something that much more. A combination of smells completely threw me for a loop at the start of my day! Why does this sense have such a strong affect on us? I'm sure there's some scientific explanation about brain waves and all that jazz, which is probably very interesting. But honestly, I'm not really looking for answers; I'm just appreciating the complexity of it all. :)
See! I told you I'm random!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Poetry?
Lately, I've been really into writing down my random thoughts and they keep turning into poems or songs. Nothing of substance really, but poetry nonetheless. So the other night I was thinking of ways to pull myself out of this funk that I've been in; something to recite to myself everyday to get rid of some of my self-doubt. However cheesey it may be, this is what I came up with:
Like I said, super cheesey but it gets the job done. lol
I'm am beautiful, inside and out.
I will no longer be filled with doubt.
My love is valuable, my heart so pure.
To those who won't see me, I'll show them the door.
Like I said, super cheesey but it gets the job done. lol
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Note to My Father
I have no way of expressing my pain and frustration with him anymore. So I decided, although he cannot respond, I could write Dad a letter to get a few things of my chest:
Dear Daddy,
There's so much to say and I don't know where to start. I wish I had the opportunity to tell you this in person, but you've left me no choice because...well, you left me....again.
I need you to know how angry I am at you. Do you realize the affect that your leaving had on me when I was little? Yes, I was only 2 but everything that we had, our big, happy family was shattered because you couldn't cope with your failure. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I could only imagine the hurt you felt, but you let it ruin you...and us. After that, you turned into a selfish coward and made everything about you! Never mind that you had a wife and 2 kids at home, no. This was all about you now. You fucked up and instead of being a man and dealing with it, you bailed. You cheated on my mother and turned to drugs. How could you?!
I was very young, but I knew our family was falling apart. I knew my daddy wasn't around anymore. You called me your little princess and it was your job to protect me, to be there for me and act as my king. Do you realize that that is when my eating habits changed? The Christmas that you left?
Ma was a mess, but can you blame her? Her husband of 10 years, whom she had 3 children with, and whom she supported while he attended nursing school, left her alone to take care of us and herself. So she went running to Max, a crazy, son of a bitch who sly embraced her with "loving" arms, which led to another 10 years of pain, frustration, fear and disappointment.
Max was an awful man who did awful things to us, and where were you? You never did anything about it! Why didn't you come save us from this? Why did you let him hurt your family?
You always wanted me to be safe and not get hurt by guys. You told me things like, "You can't date till your married", "No one will ever be good enough for you", and "I'll kill any man that hurts you". I was your baby girl and you never wanted me to grow up and date, in fear that one day, some guy was going to come along and break my heart. Well I have news for you: I did grow up. I was forced to because you weren't playing the parental role. I had to learn how to take care of myself and be a shoulder for my mother to cry on when Max lost his temper again. And you know what I realized? Ironically, the only man who ended up truly breaking my heart was you!
You abandoned me, laid guilt trips on me, left me to fend for myself, kept secrets from me and then abandoned me AGAIN!. You were selfish, childish, and stubborn...and you never really let me get close to you, like you let Ian. If you would have tried, maybe you would have seen how similar we are. We're both a big ball of emotion and incredibly stubborn. We like to take risks and live, we love music more than anything....I wish I would have had the opportunity to see what else we had in common, but your careless lifestyle stole that time from us.
Daddy, you must know that I am so angry with you...and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in a contradiction: I try to be strong, to make you and Ma proud of me in the decisions I make, to never need anybody to take care of me but myself (like you always taught me)...but at the same time, I yearn for a man to rescue me, protect me, take care of me and always be there for me...all the things I wanted from you. I don't know what to do...all I could do is write.
I miss you and I have so many questions, so many things left undone for us. How come it was so easy for you to leave and to lie? Why didn't you protect me and save me from Max? Why did you break my heart?
I'm lost and overwhelmed. I'm still dealing with this terrible eating problem. Now love is in the mixture of shit I have to deal with and I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish you were here to confide in. Ian and Ma don't always understand me, but somehow I believe that you would. I can't be strong all of the time and I'm just so tired of hurting. Daddy, I miss you more than you know, and I so badly wish you were here with me. I don't know what else to say, expect...
I love you,
Kiersten
Dear Daddy,
There's so much to say and I don't know where to start. I wish I had the opportunity to tell you this in person, but you've left me no choice because...well, you left me....again.
I need you to know how angry I am at you. Do you realize the affect that your leaving had on me when I was little? Yes, I was only 2 but everything that we had, our big, happy family was shattered because you couldn't cope with your failure. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I could only imagine the hurt you felt, but you let it ruin you...and us. After that, you turned into a selfish coward and made everything about you! Never mind that you had a wife and 2 kids at home, no. This was all about you now. You fucked up and instead of being a man and dealing with it, you bailed. You cheated on my mother and turned to drugs. How could you?!
I was very young, but I knew our family was falling apart. I knew my daddy wasn't around anymore. You called me your little princess and it was your job to protect me, to be there for me and act as my king. Do you realize that that is when my eating habits changed? The Christmas that you left?
Ma was a mess, but can you blame her? Her husband of 10 years, whom she had 3 children with, and whom she supported while he attended nursing school, left her alone to take care of us and herself. So she went running to Max, a crazy, son of a bitch who sly embraced her with "loving" arms, which led to another 10 years of pain, frustration, fear and disappointment.
Max was an awful man who did awful things to us, and where were you? You never did anything about it! Why didn't you come save us from this? Why did you let him hurt your family?
You always wanted me to be safe and not get hurt by guys. You told me things like, "You can't date till your married", "No one will ever be good enough for you", and "I'll kill any man that hurts you". I was your baby girl and you never wanted me to grow up and date, in fear that one day, some guy was going to come along and break my heart. Well I have news for you: I did grow up. I was forced to because you weren't playing the parental role. I had to learn how to take care of myself and be a shoulder for my mother to cry on when Max lost his temper again. And you know what I realized? Ironically, the only man who ended up truly breaking my heart was you!
You abandoned me, laid guilt trips on me, left me to fend for myself, kept secrets from me and then abandoned me AGAIN!. You were selfish, childish, and stubborn...and you never really let me get close to you, like you let Ian. If you would have tried, maybe you would have seen how similar we are. We're both a big ball of emotion and incredibly stubborn. We like to take risks and live, we love music more than anything....I wish I would have had the opportunity to see what else we had in common, but your careless lifestyle stole that time from us.
Daddy, you must know that I am so angry with you...and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in a contradiction: I try to be strong, to make you and Ma proud of me in the decisions I make, to never need anybody to take care of me but myself (like you always taught me)...but at the same time, I yearn for a man to rescue me, protect me, take care of me and always be there for me...all the things I wanted from you. I don't know what to do...all I could do is write.
I miss you and I have so many questions, so many things left undone for us. How come it was so easy for you to leave and to lie? Why didn't you protect me and save me from Max? Why did you break my heart?
I'm lost and overwhelmed. I'm still dealing with this terrible eating problem. Now love is in the mixture of shit I have to deal with and I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish you were here to confide in. Ian and Ma don't always understand me, but somehow I believe that you would. I can't be strong all of the time and I'm just so tired of hurting. Daddy, I miss you more than you know, and I so badly wish you were here with me. I don't know what else to say, expect...
I love you,
Kiersten
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