"I could write a blog. I have thoughts"

Sad to say, summer is quickly coming to an end. BMB starts next week and I'm about to get really busy...which is probably for the best. This summer has been absolutely fantastic. I've thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it...road trips down to Galveston for my birthday, spending the 4th of July with Ma, National convention in Arizona, teaching at HHS summer band camp, living alone, my roommates finally moving in and building relationships with new friends. :) It's been one hell of a summer and I'm sad to see it go but there is so much work to be done!

This summer has also brought a lot to my attention. I'm so determined to move forward but I can't let go of the past. I believe that my past has molded me into the person that I am, and I'm fully proud of how far I've come, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to balance between being completely vulnerable and putting up a wall. My head and my heart are in a constant battle: I thrive on emotion but I can't stand not having control. I'm fully aware of my problems I just don't know how to fix them. Now I'm paranoid. I've had this churning feeling in my stomach lately, that my ex is going to try to enter my life again, and I can't handle that. I know I'm a MUCH stronger person than I was but I can't shake this nervous feeling. Hopefully, it's nothing.

So I have a confession: I read my horoscope EVERY DAY! It's really bad but it's more out of curiosity. Sometimes it's really dumb and couldn't be more incorrect, but other times....it's annoyingly accurate. In fact, the ones I read today is what inspired me to write down my thoughts. Here's a brief synopsis, if you will:

• "You tend to confuse and complicate everything. You swirl around in that head of yours, thinking you're going to figure out the rules of the universe, when all you really need to do is slow down, calm down and keep it simple..."
• "You need to surrender to the timing of things and let go of your need to control the outcome..."
• "The best way for you to transform your situation is to examine and overcome limiting habits and attitudes formed as protective reactions to painful events in the past."

Like I said...annoyingly accurate. It's one thing to hear this come from loved ones, it's another thing to read it off of a freaking tarot card lol. I know I shouldn't read too much into this stuff but sometimes, strangely enough, it slaps you in the face with a bit of reality. Crazy, right?

On a lighter (and less crazy) note, I met some great people this year and also have built stronger relationships with others that were already in my life. Although not everything has gone the way I would have hoped for, I'm am incredibly thankful for ALL of my friends (and of course, my wonderful mother and brother). The lengthy, yet thoughtful conversations, the goofball jokes and silly moments, the tears and laughter...all of it, without each and every one of you, I would be so lost. Thank you so much.

Okie well I really need to get back to work. I think I've cleared my head for now. I hope most of it made sense...but who knows? haha Feel free to comment. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

I woke up this morning.....

...and I felt so blue. I've had a lot on my mind lately. For instance, I love being single but every now and then I'm reminded that I'm alone. Sometimes I miss having someone sleep next to me at night. And I miss being needed. I keep trying to reach to people that I care about to offer my assistance, and they don't need me. I was telling a friend the other day: Both my parents were nurses, I'm a Cancer, I'm a woman, AND I'm Puerto Rican! I can't help but care for people. So it's almost a silly feeling of rejection when nobody wants my help. Isn't that dumb?

The other thing is, I have not done anything to lose weight. I'm so dissappointed in myself. I've gain 13lbs since last Spring....I was suppose to go the OTHER way and lose 13 -20...at least. When I weighed myself this more, I started crying. That's not what I want for myself. And my friends and family, tell me all the time that I'm beautiful, and I appreciate it but I'm not happy with myself. I don't feel comfortable in my body and I just wish I could push myself like I did last year.

I realized that the main reason it was soo easy for me to lose all that weight last Spring is because it was my distraction from my relationship with Ryan. Now, instead of it being a distraction, it is the goal, which makes it twice as difficult to acheive. But seeing that number on the scale this morning helped a little. I never wanted to weigh that much again so that fact that I do now, has opened my eyes. I just hope I can push myself to get where I want to be.

I guess that's all for now. I hate not having my own computer bc I have to do everything while I'm at work and also do my job. But I hope to post more often.

Until then, have a great day!

Just For You Nikki!

OMG what a year!

I consider 2008 to be "the year of Change!" At least it was for me. As most of you know, I had difficulties with Ryan and as the end of the year arrived, so did the end of our relationship. I've been craving to be independent and to not have to take care of or answer to anyone. I'm going through a very selfish phase in my life right now and I don't want to be with anyone. I just want to feel great about myself, and be happy.

So at the start of this New Year, I bring new hope (and a new blog) to start off my New Life! I have so many plans for myself this year (i.e. resolutions...but I don't like to call them that because then people roll their eyes b/c no one fulfills their New Year's resolutions...but I WILL DAMN IT! lol) Anyway, below I've listed my goals for this year...enjoy!

• I'm getting back on Weight Watchers and I want to get down to AT LEAST a size 12 by my birthday. Hannah and I have a weight loss blog that we created. You should definitely check it out. (http://wellonourway.blogspot.com/)
• I want to make the Dean's List again this semester.
• I want to better TBS by doing lots of great service and fundraiser projects.
• I want budget my money wisely so I can go to TMEA, District and possibly somewhere awesome for Spring Break.

Okie I know there's more, but I'm at work and I got distracted so I can't think of anything else. Anyway, I'm going to try update more. There's always something on my mind so just keep and eye out for new posts.

Have a great day!