A Release

So lately I've been going through a very rough time with my boyfriend. I just haven't been happy, and I'm afraid of getting stuck in a relationship that I've lost myself in. I love him very much but I'm ready to get out of the funk I've been in and do something with my life. It really feels like our lives have been at a stand-still the past 2 years...not much has changed.

I THRIVE on change. It's not always good but the "same old thing" gets old after a while! I'm used to dealing with it because I was an army brat and every few years, something changed, meaning we moved or Ma got divorced or I lived with dad or I went off the college. But something ALWAYS changed.

I'm just scared, concerned, guilty, angry, sad, and excited all at the same time. It's a freaking roller coaster of emotions. I'm scared because I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm concerned for Ryan because I'm his only family; he's real family doesn't seem to care that he's suffering. I feel so guilty about putting him in this situation but it makes me angry because he caused so much of this! I'm sad that we won't be living together anymore because we've shared a bed for 2 years! It's going to be so weird without him next to me every night. But I'm secretly excited about finally getting to live on my own for a little while.

That's the one thing that scares me about me and Ryan. I don't see anything changing. I know I scared him when I broke up with him and he is trying really hard. He's hurt me really bad throughout our relationship and sometimes I wonder if he remembers that. A lot of the things he's done to me....I should have left him a long time ago but I never did. I know how much he loves me but sometimes he makes it so hard for me to love him back. I see him trying and changing and it makes me proud but I fear that it's not going to be enough. I have plans for my life that I've forgotten about and I'm NOT willing to give them up.

I'm moving out. I want to live on my own for a while and find myself....I really don't know who I am. How can I be part of a serious relationship when I'm so confused about myself. I still don't necessarily know what I want to do with my life...how awful is that? I know I want change, and I KNOW that the things that I want from Ryan will be great for him in the long run but I just don't know how willing he is to do it.

I hope this move is good for us. We both need to gain some independence because he's relied on my so much and I've used my mother as a crutch. It's time we grow up! Be clean and organized, make a budget, pay bills, work and study hard, make good grades...it's time to just GROW UP and start acting like ADULTS!

I'm not sure what else to say but it sure feels good getting all this stuff of my chest. I'll post again later. Ciao!