Stress

I'm pretty glad that I decided to make this blog because I so much on my mind right now and I need to let it all out.

(1) Finances:
Omg, when don't I think about finances. This paycheck on the 15th is suppose to be a pretty nice one BUT of course taxes take out a good chunk and my bank account is negative $70.01 so that's going to good deal of my paycheck too. Then everyone and their mother needs money from me! I also have to pay rent at my new place on the 15th so this paycheck is going to disappear fast.

I'm trying to take care of my loan stuff so I can pay off all my bills. I'm so tired of bill collectors calling me every hour! They'll get their freaking money I just don't know when yet....OMG I just did some math and I'm feeling a little better about this loan stuff. As long as everything goes through, it looks like I'll be able to pay off more stuff! I hope it all works out.

(2) Health:
This may sound a bit paranoid but I get more and more concerned about my health. My first concern is not that big of a deal but it just really bothers me. Ever since I had mono, my voice hasn't been the same. I feel like I've been permanently congested for the past year and I know I've never been an amazing singer but I at least use to like hearing myself. I loved to sing because I got my voice from my father and I cherished that. NOW I get headaches when I sing, my head fills stuffy and it's like my voice is echoing. Ugh, I hate it. So I'm going to try to go to an ENT doctor to see what the deal is.

My second concern is a bit more serious: My right breast is significantly larger than my left breast by 1 1/2 cup sizes. I know we're not built perfectly symmetrical but this is ridiculous. The reason why it's such an issue is because Breast Cancer runs in my family. When school starts I want to have it checked out at the clinic. The female doctor is really nice and seems pretty knowledgeable. Hopefully I'm just being paranoid.

(3) Weight:
You all know that I worked really hard since to beginning of the year to lose weight and from January I lost almost 25lbs. Well since school let out for the summer, I've been terrible with my diet and I haven't exercised at all. I'm really disappointed in myself because I've gained 4lbs and the new clothes I've bought are starting to get tighter. I hope with Marching Season starts, the exercise from that will help but I've still got a long way to go before I reach my goal. I just can't seem to get off my lazy ass and start working out and to also stop stress eating. That's the worst!

(4) Moving:
I'm suppose to be moving tomorrow but I don't have anything packed and there are certain items (like my bed) that I won't be able to move until Ryan is available (he works till midnight tomorrow). I probably won't be able to fully move out until after school starts. That's ok but it's also frustrating b/c I'm so scattered right now.

(5) Mary Kay:
I've been slacking majorly on my Mary Kay work and I feel really bad about it. Not only is it hurting my finances because I can easily be make a few extra bucks but it's also hurting my director. If we don't make production this month, she will be demoted and we will be moved to a new director! How awful is that? My two biggest issues are being lazy and being scared. Weird thing is, I don't know what I'm afraid of. I'm good at selling Mary Kay and it's really not that hard but for some reason I'm too chicken to pick up the phone.

(6) TBS:
I'm getting scared but I have some great ideas for the fall and we just took a huge risk in fundraising but I'm getting so freaked out now! We're doing a major fundraiser the first week of school. We bought and personalized koozies to sell with drinks for this big event we're having called ORANGE DAY. We could potentially make a lot of profit off of these but they cost a lot of money and if people don't buy them then we're screwed! (Ok well that may be a bit dramatic but still...) If this doesn't work then it's going to fall on my shoulders! I'm just so nervous because I want nothing but the best for our organization but it's so risky. I hope this all works out well.

(7) Marching Band:
My final worry (for now lol) is Marching Band. I'm going to be a Music Tech, meaning I'm going to help the flute section learn their music and what not. Being drum major in HS was the closest thing to doing this but I most focused on the marching and conducting part. And I hope that I can earn their respect. I just don't know that expect or how to prepared myself for this season.

And this part is no offense to Kerianne what so ever: I had a lot of ideas for the BMB but it's been severely lacking and frankly, I'm still a little hurt about not making SA and everything that went down in that room. I just hope I can prove that I was meant to have that position and hopefully make SA next year.


*sigh* Anyway, now you've had a glimpse into my brain...scary huh? lol It just helps to get it all off my chest. Thanks for listening!

A Release

So lately I've been going through a very rough time with my boyfriend. I just haven't been happy, and I'm afraid of getting stuck in a relationship that I've lost myself in. I love him very much but I'm ready to get out of the funk I've been in and do something with my life. It really feels like our lives have been at a stand-still the past 2 years...not much has changed.

I THRIVE on change. It's not always good but the "same old thing" gets old after a while! I'm used to dealing with it because I was an army brat and every few years, something changed, meaning we moved or Ma got divorced or I lived with dad or I went off the college. But something ALWAYS changed.

I'm just scared, concerned, guilty, angry, sad, and excited all at the same time. It's a freaking roller coaster of emotions. I'm scared because I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm concerned for Ryan because I'm his only family; he's real family doesn't seem to care that he's suffering. I feel so guilty about putting him in this situation but it makes me angry because he caused so much of this! I'm sad that we won't be living together anymore because we've shared a bed for 2 years! It's going to be so weird without him next to me every night. But I'm secretly excited about finally getting to live on my own for a little while.

That's the one thing that scares me about me and Ryan. I don't see anything changing. I know I scared him when I broke up with him and he is trying really hard. He's hurt me really bad throughout our relationship and sometimes I wonder if he remembers that. A lot of the things he's done to me....I should have left him a long time ago but I never did. I know how much he loves me but sometimes he makes it so hard for me to love him back. I see him trying and changing and it makes me proud but I fear that it's not going to be enough. I have plans for my life that I've forgotten about and I'm NOT willing to give them up.

I'm moving out. I want to live on my own for a while and find myself....I really don't know who I am. How can I be part of a serious relationship when I'm so confused about myself. I still don't necessarily know what I want to do with my life...how awful is that? I know I want change, and I KNOW that the things that I want from Ryan will be great for him in the long run but I just don't know how willing he is to do it.

I hope this move is good for us. We both need to gain some independence because he's relied on my so much and I've used my mother as a crutch. It's time we grow up! Be clean and organized, make a budget, pay bills, work and study hard, make good grades...it's time to just GROW UP and start acting like ADULTS!

I'm not sure what else to say but it sure feels good getting all this stuff of my chest. I'll post again later. Ciao!