I'm am beautiful, inside and out.
I will no longer be filled with doubt.
My love is valuable, my heart so pure.
To those who won't see me, I'll show them the door.
Like I said, super cheesey but it gets the job done. lol
Friday, May 28, 2010
Poetry?
Lately, I've been really into writing down my random thoughts and they keep turning into poems or songs. Nothing of substance really, but poetry nonetheless. So the other night I was thinking of ways to pull myself out of this funk that I've been in; something to recite to myself everyday to get rid of some of my self-doubt. However cheesey it may be, this is what I came up with:
Like I said, super cheesey but it gets the job done. lol
Like I said, super cheesey but it gets the job done. lol
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Note to My Father
I have no way of expressing my pain and frustration with him anymore. So I decided, although he cannot respond, I could write Dad a letter to get a few things of my chest:
Dear Daddy,
There's so much to say and I don't know where to start. I wish I had the opportunity to tell you this in person, but you've left me no choice because...well, you left me....again.
I need you to know how angry I am at you. Do you realize the affect that your leaving had on me when I was little? Yes, I was only 2 but everything that we had, our big, happy family was shattered because you couldn't cope with your failure. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I could only imagine the hurt you felt, but you let it ruin you...and us. After that, you turned into a selfish coward and made everything about you! Never mind that you had a wife and 2 kids at home, no. This was all about you now. You fucked up and instead of being a man and dealing with it, you bailed. You cheated on my mother and turned to drugs. How could you?!
I was very young, but I knew our family was falling apart. I knew my daddy wasn't around anymore. You called me your little princess and it was your job to protect me, to be there for me and act as my king. Do you realize that that is when my eating habits changed? The Christmas that you left?
Ma was a mess, but can you blame her? Her husband of 10 years, whom she had 3 children with, and whom she supported while he attended nursing school, left her alone to take care of us and herself. So she went running to Max, a crazy, son of a bitch who sly embraced her with "loving" arms, which led to another 10 years of pain, frustration, fear and disappointment.
Max was an awful man who did awful things to us, and where were you? You never did anything about it! Why didn't you come save us from this? Why did you let him hurt your family?
You always wanted me to be safe and not get hurt by guys. You told me things like, "You can't date till your married", "No one will ever be good enough for you", and "I'll kill any man that hurts you". I was your baby girl and you never wanted me to grow up and date, in fear that one day, some guy was going to come along and break my heart. Well I have news for you: I did grow up. I was forced to because you weren't playing the parental role. I had to learn how to take care of myself and be a shoulder for my mother to cry on when Max lost his temper again. And you know what I realized? Ironically, the only man who ended up truly breaking my heart was you!
You abandoned me, laid guilt trips on me, left me to fend for myself, kept secrets from me and then abandoned me AGAIN!. You were selfish, childish, and stubborn...and you never really let me get close to you, like you let Ian. If you would have tried, maybe you would have seen how similar we are. We're both a big ball of emotion and incredibly stubborn. We like to take risks and live, we love music more than anything....I wish I would have had the opportunity to see what else we had in common, but your careless lifestyle stole that time from us.
Daddy, you must know that I am so angry with you...and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in a contradiction: I try to be strong, to make you and Ma proud of me in the decisions I make, to never need anybody to take care of me but myself (like you always taught me)...but at the same time, I yearn for a man to rescue me, protect me, take care of me and always be there for me...all the things I wanted from you. I don't know what to do...all I could do is write.
I miss you and I have so many questions, so many things left undone for us. How come it was so easy for you to leave and to lie? Why didn't you protect me and save me from Max? Why did you break my heart?
I'm lost and overwhelmed. I'm still dealing with this terrible eating problem. Now love is in the mixture of shit I have to deal with and I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish you were here to confide in. Ian and Ma don't always understand me, but somehow I believe that you would. I can't be strong all of the time and I'm just so tired of hurting. Daddy, I miss you more than you know, and I so badly wish you were here with me. I don't know what else to say, expect...
I love you,
Kiersten
Dear Daddy,
There's so much to say and I don't know where to start. I wish I had the opportunity to tell you this in person, but you've left me no choice because...well, you left me....again.
I need you to know how angry I am at you. Do you realize the affect that your leaving had on me when I was little? Yes, I was only 2 but everything that we had, our big, happy family was shattered because you couldn't cope with your failure. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I could only imagine the hurt you felt, but you let it ruin you...and us. After that, you turned into a selfish coward and made everything about you! Never mind that you had a wife and 2 kids at home, no. This was all about you now. You fucked up and instead of being a man and dealing with it, you bailed. You cheated on my mother and turned to drugs. How could you?!
I was very young, but I knew our family was falling apart. I knew my daddy wasn't around anymore. You called me your little princess and it was your job to protect me, to be there for me and act as my king. Do you realize that that is when my eating habits changed? The Christmas that you left?
Ma was a mess, but can you blame her? Her husband of 10 years, whom she had 3 children with, and whom she supported while he attended nursing school, left her alone to take care of us and herself. So she went running to Max, a crazy, son of a bitch who sly embraced her with "loving" arms, which led to another 10 years of pain, frustration, fear and disappointment.
Max was an awful man who did awful things to us, and where were you? You never did anything about it! Why didn't you come save us from this? Why did you let him hurt your family?
You always wanted me to be safe and not get hurt by guys. You told me things like, "You can't date till your married", "No one will ever be good enough for you", and "I'll kill any man that hurts you". I was your baby girl and you never wanted me to grow up and date, in fear that one day, some guy was going to come along and break my heart. Well I have news for you: I did grow up. I was forced to because you weren't playing the parental role. I had to learn how to take care of myself and be a shoulder for my mother to cry on when Max lost his temper again. And you know what I realized? Ironically, the only man who ended up truly breaking my heart was you!
You abandoned me, laid guilt trips on me, left me to fend for myself, kept secrets from me and then abandoned me AGAIN!. You were selfish, childish, and stubborn...and you never really let me get close to you, like you let Ian. If you would have tried, maybe you would have seen how similar we are. We're both a big ball of emotion and incredibly stubborn. We like to take risks and live, we love music more than anything....I wish I would have had the opportunity to see what else we had in common, but your careless lifestyle stole that time from us.
Daddy, you must know that I am so angry with you...and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in a contradiction: I try to be strong, to make you and Ma proud of me in the decisions I make, to never need anybody to take care of me but myself (like you always taught me)...but at the same time, I yearn for a man to rescue me, protect me, take care of me and always be there for me...all the things I wanted from you. I don't know what to do...all I could do is write.
I miss you and I have so many questions, so many things left undone for us. How come it was so easy for you to leave and to lie? Why didn't you protect me and save me from Max? Why did you break my heart?
I'm lost and overwhelmed. I'm still dealing with this terrible eating problem. Now love is in the mixture of shit I have to deal with and I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish you were here to confide in. Ian and Ma don't always understand me, but somehow I believe that you would. I can't be strong all of the time and I'm just so tired of hurting. Daddy, I miss you more than you know, and I so badly wish you were here with me. I don't know what else to say, expect...
I love you,
Kiersten
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